[OT] Customs

[Peter Alcibiades]

In the present febrile atmosphere in the UK, the most important thing is not
to get mistaken for an MP travelling on expenses.  That will lead the
officials to cease acting as agents and start acting as citizens, and there
are too many girders in airports over which ropes can be thrown to make this
a comfortable prospect.

If you succeed in avoiding being mistaken for a travelling MP in the
airport, the next most important thing is not to be mistaken for a cabinet
minister when you check into the hotel.  The mortality rate among cabinet
ministers is extremely high right now.

And finally, of course, whatever you do, do not get mistaken for the British
Prime Minister, who is unfortunately Scottish, like you.  That is a point of
real danger.    If you are roughly that age, with a square face, progressive
jowls (that will be the only progressive thing about you) and a morose and
suspicious expression on your face, a mob will assemble in no time.   If you
appear on a public platform, there are certain expressions best avoided.  In
fact, avoid these expressions while talking to the customs officials, or
indeed anyone else, as they may arouse them to a fury of bloodlust. 

These expression include "faith", "decent", "my father", "honest", "heart",
"women".  Also "candour", "communities", "engagement" and above all the word
"investment", as when we invest in our great public services.  Do not
express sympathy with the family of Jade Goody, and do not under any
circumstances mention Sir Alan Sugar.

These are dangerous times in the UK, and the innocent are confounded with
the guilty and punished, every day.  Don't be one of them!
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